I have to wonder if any of my problems are not so much down to life experience and such but could be more hardwired. A chemical imbalance or something. Been feeling really bad lately but today is something else. Really hard to cope. Frankly feeling like this is damn scary too. Sure lots of the things I'm down about are based in reality but this is a step beyond. Fucking irrational despair, anxiety, fear. The fear that the feeling won't fucking end. Of course it will. I've felt like this before. I know that.

I feel a bit like this every now and then no matter how good things are going. Even when I was first going out with Jacqui and was all blissful and loved up I'd still feel this occasionally. I'd call it my time of the month. A few days of freaked out blackness for no damn reason. But it's alot easier to cope with when you are leading a good life with someone to help you through. Don't have that now so freaking out pretty big time.

I don't like talking about this shit anymore, too much damn whining, but typing this has calmed me down a bit. Now I just feel really fucking tired.